HR Is Not Your Therapist: A Practical Guide to Self-Advocacy At Work
- April Simpkins, SHRM-CP, PHR
- Aug 13
- 4 min read
Work can get messy when we confuse roles. HR is a part of the company, not your counselor. That doesn’t mean HR can’t help; it means you’ll get better results when you come prepared with clarity, a plan, and the appropriate door for the right need. This post is your next step: five self-advocacy moves you can use today, along with guardrails for leaders and HR so support doesn’t turn into therapy.
Myth‑buster: “HR conversations are fully confidential—just like therapy.”
Not exactly. HR should handle information discreetly, but in investigations (such as harassment, discrimination, safety, and ethics), employers cannot guarantee complete confidentiality; details may need to be shared with those involved in resolving the issue. That’s different from therapist–client privilege.
Important carve-out: when a request involves disability accommodation, the ADA requires employers to safeguard disability-related medical information, keep it separate from personnel files, and share it only on a strict need-to-know basis.
The Five Self‑Advocacy Moves
Know your ask
“I’m overwhelmed” is a real feeling. “I’m requesting a reduced Tuesday meeting load for 60 days while I complete treatment” is an actionable request. If your request concerns a health condition, describe the functional limitations and what would help you perform essential job duties. You can ask for an accommodation verbally or in writing—writing provides a helpful paper trail.
Try this: “Thanks for meeting with me. I request a temporary eight-week schedule adjustment (8:30–4:30) due to a documented health condition. This will allow me to meet deadlines and attend treatment. I’m open to alternative arrangements that achieve the same goal.”
Do your homework (policies & benefits)
Before you contact HR, review your handbook or portal for PTO, sick leave, EAP, flexible work options, disability benefits, and any accommodation policies. Being informed upfront speeds up the process and minimizes confusion.
Know your legal levers: ADA & FMLA
Suppose a mental health condition significantly limits major life activities. In that case, you may be eligible for a reasonable accommodation, such as schedule flexibility, short breaks, a quieter workspace, or telework, unless it causes undue hardship. Medical details related to the request are confidential and must be kept separate from your personnel file. You generally don’t need to disclose a diagnosis; put your focus on limitations and solutions.
If eligible, FMLA provides up to 12 weeks of job‑protected leave (which can be intermittent or reduced‑schedule) for medically necessary treatment—review eligibility and process on your benefits site or DOL resources.
Document like a pro
After a meeting, send a brief recap email outlining what was requested, what was agreed upon, and the deadline. If an alternative arrangement isn’t working, communicate it in writing and suggest a modification.One-liner: “Following up to share that the alternative accommodation (two shorter breaks) hasn’t solved the concentration issue. I’m requesting we revisit the original accommodation (30-minute mid-day break) effective Monday.”
Use the right door and the right words
Manager: workload, priorities, day‑to‑day changes.
HR: policy, leave, accommodations, and process.
Clinician/EAP: therapy, diagnosis, and treatment.
Open with performance‑focused language:
- “I’m requesting a reasonable accommodation under the ADA to address [functional limitation]. Options that would allow me to perform the essential functions include..."
- “Per Section 4.3 of our PTO policy, I’d like to use sick time for therapy on Tuesdays for six weeks.”
- “Can you point me to the process for intermittent FMLA? I’ve reviewed the benefits page and want to follow the right steps.”
How Leaders And HR Keep Support From Turning Into Therapy
Leaders: Your job is to remove obstacles and create conditions for good work—not to diagnose, advise, or pry. Psychological safety (speaking up without fear) is essential for performance and well-being and depends on the leader.
HR: You’re the connector and process owner. Be transparent about confidentiality limits, protect confidential information (such as ADA-related medical info), and direct employees to clinical resources when conversations shift toward counseling.
Quick Reference: Your Self‑advocacy Checklist
Clarify exactly what you’re asking for—and why it helps you perform.• Bring policy receipts (sections, screenshots)
Know your ADA/FMLA options; keep medical info minimal and relevant.• Confirm agreements in writing; revisit if the plan isn’t working
Use HR for process and managers for workflow; use clinicians for therapy.
Close: Three Points To Take With You
For Leaders: Foster psychological safety and operational clarity. Normalize flagging capacity issues and requesting adjustments—and train managers to respond with processes, not pop psychology.
For HR Professionals: Establish confidentiality expectations early, protect ADA-related medical information, and serve as the connector to EAP, benefits, and legal resources—so you don’t take on the role of everyone’s therapist.
For Everyone: Advocacy does not mean being confrontational. Know what you need to ask for, go through the appropriate channels, and keep a record. If you’re having a tough day, contact your EAP or a licensed mental health professional—or call or text 988 for immediate help.
Suggested Reading
For Leaders:
The Fearless Organization — Amy C. Edmondson (HBR Press)
No Hard Feelings — Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy (Penguin)
The Burnout Epidemic — Jennifer Moss (HBR Press)
For HR Professionals:
Redefining HR — Lars Schmidt (Kogan Page)
The Essential HR Handbook (10th Anniversary Edition) — Sharon Armstrong & Barbara Mitchell
EEOC ADA guidance; DOL FMLA fact sheets & FAQs
Resources: NAMI (nami.org) • Job Accommodation Network (askjan.org) • SHRM (shrm.org) • EEOC ADA Guidance (eeoc.gov) • DOL FMLA (dol.gov/agencies/whd/fmla) • 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
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